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I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’ve never been down for long! Have you read my past substacks about my childhood trauma or my hero Rocky? I’m the underdog who comes out on top; nothing can hold me back.
But something has been holding me back. In the past six years:
1. My oldest child graduated and headed to the Army in 2017.
Middle child graduated in 2018 and headed to college.
In 2019, I was miserable in my teaching position and Covid hit.
My youngest son left for college in 2020.
I got super sick with a mystery illness in 2021. Maybe a thyroid flare?
My mom died in a car wreck in 2022.
I am still battling the mystery illness ($8,000 so far). I do feel better though.
“You’re depressed.”
“What? I don’t get depressed. I’m sad.” I said this with resignation because I knew my husband was on to something. All of the “hits” I had taken since 2017 had did a number on me and I smiled through them until smiling didn’t seem to work the same. Here’s what my husband has noticed that I am now noticing, too:
I don’t want to get out of the bed in the mornings, whereas before, I bounded out each day at 4:30 am. This started after my mom’s accident.
My joints ache more and I am lethargic throughout the day. I still workout 6 days a week, but I’ve had to cut my lifting weight in half and modify more. This started after the mystery illness and has worsened.
I don’t find joy in things I used to, like painting, writing, traveling, taking walks, gardening. This began about two months ago.
Everything is a mental task. Let me explain - mental tasks are things you do not like to do but you push through them. Everything is mental task for me now — cleaning, decorating, any hobby, and even my beloved self care.
Why am I writing about this? Because I’m pissed off that I’m feeling this way even though it’s absolutely normal to grieve my children leaving the nest, to feel the stress the pandemic created in my classroom, to feel the worry about managing thyroid illness, and to feel the bottomless grief of losing my mama.
Thankfully, I have a supportive husband and family who love me and THIS, my friends, helps me fight through the smiling depression so that I can not just feel the pain but do something productive with it.
Not enough people talk about depression like this because, I suppose, it’s uncomfortable. Rather, they talk about rising up, being the phoenix that falls to ashes and then magically coming together again to soar. But, we ain’t phoenixes. We’re people and it’s hard living sometimes. It just is.
I’ve been doing this to heal:
Read my devotion every day. Only takes two-three minutes.
Get involved in a faith-filled community. Being around positive people is a pick-me-up.
Ask my husband to please make me get up, tell me things that I need to hear.
Sit a few minutes in the sun. Rainy days aren’t so fun for me but I find that if I open the door and listen to the rain, I feel calm.
Participate in community theater. The stage allows me to be playful and laugh more.
Petting my new kitten, Butternut. This is sensory therapy, and one that brings me relief.
Renew my library card and check out coffee table gardening books.
Exploring hot teas. I love licorice root and lemon-glazed loaf hot teas.
Wear red lipstick when we go out. My current favorite is Lady Gaga’s lip crayon in Scarlet Matte.
I’ve not yet reached out to a therapist, still exploring those, but definitely not against talking to someone. For now, I am feeling hopeful and lighter and ALSO sitting with the knowledge that the armor I used to wear doesn’t work the same anymore for me. For so long, I didn’t want anyone to know I was hurting because that shows weakness, but with age comes wisdom and wisdom is telling me to heal because my life is important and I have plenty left to do. Like painting these nails.
I hope what I have written here helps someone else who is hurting, too.
Aww, hugs Mary Alice! I’ve read all your recent posts and realized that I haven’t commented in part because I’m kind of right there with you... working through big stuff anyways and checked out. 💜 Your cat is precious ! Thank you for your sharing your vulnerability and your Grace. Much love .
Just count this as a big ole virtual hug, MA.