Where am I going? What am I doing?
An essay lesson on making choices when you don't know what you want to do.
This is not directions on how you can get more done and this essay is not going to magically teleport all the answers you need. Or, maybe it will.
In preparing for my newest program “Revive and Thrive,” I’ve been digging into all the things that might affect midlife women. A study spanning 23 years called the “Midlife Women’s Health Study” caught my eye because the most frequent themes presenting challenges for the midlife woman is not menopause. In a nutshell, women felt there were not enough resources to help with all the changes within the family, in the workplace, and within relationships. Many midlife women go through empty nest syndrome or caring for parents. All of the loss and transition leaves a midlife woman on a lonely island. Now, the study did see a need to have a more diverse population for future research, but I am willing to bet the study will reveal a need for more resources.
The study left me as clueless as I felt when my fingers first hit the keyboard several weeks ago as I searched for answers to my own unsettledness. You can read more about the study here.
In 2017, my oldest child graduated and left for the Army. In 2018, my middle graduated high school and moved to her college dorm 30 miles away. In 2020, during the height of the pandemic, my youngest child graduated and moved 180 miles away. My husband and I thought it would be fun to sell our home and move near my youngest and to give me more career options. Three years we spent in our new cookie cutter home, perched on a hill, side-by-side with neighbors who thankfully turned out to be great, but I felt detached. This is where my lonely island began. I wanted more but did not know where to look. Looking back, my husband and I both agree the big house turned into “the work hut.” We threw ourselves into work so much, thinking it would fill the hole that change made, but it only turned the hole into a huge ragged crack in our happiness. What can you do about it though? Kids grow up, they go do their own thing and they return for holidays and occasional visits, but it’s not the same
. When my mom was killed in a car wreck in July 2022 and my husband’s dad unexpectantly passed away from an aneurysm in November 2022, that’s all the push we needed to get back to our roots. We sold the work hut and headed to a small cottage surrounded by woods and wildlife. We didn’t know we wanted to do this; in fact, we both, at first, were against the move because of the conveniences we’d leave behind. I look back now and shake my head, thinking “wow, Mary Alice, you thought being close to Target and Chick-fil-A would make life easier.”
I think midlife women are expecting life to be easier. The kids, if there are kids, are grown, your relationship with your significant other seems to be at a good place with more time to spend together, you’re maybe getting ready for retirement, the house cleaning list isn’t as long, and finally you can breathe. Ahhhh, my friend, you know as well as I do that we find fillers and those fillers are choices. You choose what you get to do with your time during midlife.
How to make choices? Here’s where you have to get specific. What do you want to do with these changes forced on you? What fillers do you want in your life? Write them down, pray about them, and keep them close. If the fillers are something you want to do or not do, make it known. Talk about these things with your partner or a close friend. I find it best to talk about my interests or ideas with a supportive person, not someone who you end up in a commiserating conversation with.
Where do you find resources? You find them in communities of women who are going through similar transitions. You can find these spaces in your church or in a zumba class. You can find these spaces on Instagram or in a Facebook group. I have met many women through online spaces that have become my dear friends, and yes, we’ve actually met in person!
Name what you want to fill your life, write it down, believe in them, and look for them. Do these things on repeat and I believe you’ll find some of that peace you’re looking for. I know I sure have! Right now, I am filling my life with gardening, visits with my sisters, long walks, and creating programs and workshops to help women. My program “Revive and Thrive” is open for enrollment and is a space where you will find community and mentorship tailored for the midlife woman. To learn more about my 4-week program, go here, read the description, and get on my list for more details.
Remember, do the things you love on repeat, over and over again.
Seeing pictures of your children is nice. They are lovely.